How I felt

First of all, thank you very much for the support, prayers, and not forgetting the gifts from all my friends, relatives, family and especially Mimi. I needed the moral support and you guys gave it to me just like that.

Even now, I am not very sure how serious my illness is, or will it come back, as the same condition or...

I am glad that I have support from you guys especially from my mum and Mimi because honestly I would break down if I have too much time on my own. I remembered how shock, scared, and angry I was when I heard about the tumor. Granted it wasn't serious, I knew it would change my life. I am the kind of person that plans. From my work, my daily life, my future with Mimi. What this tumor gave me was uncertainty. I was uncertained how serious it was, whether it would come back in the future, whether I was able to get my health back, whether I would able to give Mimi the life that I promise her all this time.

I wasn't sure how my future would turn out. And that scares me. I remembered when the social worker came and talked to me about the illness. It was the very first time someone actually asked me how I felt, emotionally. I cried. I cried as I told him how much burden it was for my family, I cried when I told him how it may affect my work, and I cried when I told him how unfair it was to Mimi when it was so close to our wedding.

At that point of time, I was thinking, why me? Do I think it's unfair? Definitely. Especially when I started praying again just before I got ill. But my uncle gave me a good advice. He told me that it was test from Him. It's up to me how I am supposed to go through this test and that I have to be strong. I'm trying. I am not giving up for sure, but it can be hard sometimes. Maybe this is God's way of punishing me for my sins.

If anyone's reading this, I am getting better. I am going to be admitted again for my next chemo treatment, and after that I will have one more cycle to go before the doctors decide if I need to have surgery to remove the rest of the tumor. Lucky for me, if I do need the surgery, it would definitely be after the wedding. I hope I will recover enough for the wedding. That's the least I could do for Mimi.